I have a marriage. It is complicated, sometimes messy, aggravating, annoying. It is beautiful, fulfilling, a companionship. Sometimes I feel all alone – right with him in the room with me, and then there are those times when he is far away but I can feel his love streaming through the air towards my heart. He makes me cry and yell from pent up frustration.My husband makes me giggle, and laugh out loud – the kind of belly laugh that you laugh with your whole soul, not just your diaphragm.
I grow my hair out long because he loves my hair, and I know it is beautiful – but sometimes cut it short to spite him (which then ends up making me cry – why did I do that?). It truly becomes the cut off the nose to spite the face – who really is hurt by the action? Both of us, and is it worth it? Well, maybe it was worth it for fifteen seconds. My hair is halfway down my back right now. Does that mean I am due for another hair cut????? I’m glad I made a promise to only cut my hair when I was in a rational frame of mind!
I love snuggling with him, but every once in a while I just want to be by myself – alone, with NO ONE touching me. Sometimes I feel like if another human being touches me I am going to crawl outside of my skin, especially those days that our children have been stuck to me like “white on rice” to borrow a phrase.
We had conversations that end in wicked disagreements about politics and what is politically correct, which leave me wanting to scream at the top of my lungs “You’re wrong, I’m right!” Inevitably we are both wrong and right, but maybe more wrong if we are arguing the point. We have wonderful soul connecting conversations about the gospel, our dreams and aspirations, I love how excited he gets when talking about making an electric car or a straw bale house, and terrified that he will actually make them someday.
I love his soulful eyes when things aren’t working, because I know he desperately wants to make things better but doesn’t know how to do it. I hate how anxious I feel all of the time and although sometimes he is the cause, the majority of the time he knows just how to talk me off a cliff and kisses me gently on the forehead.
I guess in the end I have a marriage. Although our marriage is by no means perfect I know that when it comes down to it I have a relationship with my husband in which our “hearts are knit together in unity and love one towards another.” (Mosiah 18:21). It may be a little lopsided quilt, but it sure is beautiful – and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but in my husbands heart.