I have this habit, I tend to either live in the past or ruminate about the future. I find it difficult to just BE in the now. To top it off, I tend to be a pessimist. I struggle with positive thinking. This can cause some incredibly harrowing moments, especially when my husband is late and doesn’t call.
Sometimes these moments of distress are a blessing, for example during my pregnancy with my son at 35 weeks he stopped his constant motion. I kept calling the doctor (as his protocol) and he had me come in to check it out. We ended up with a baby five weeks early, and had I not worried so much – well, we don’t need to go there. I have a happy, healthy seven year old. Okay, breath!!!! (See what I mean?????)
Most of the time they just cause undo stress and anxiety. I actually remember the first time I started future trippin’. I was five years old. We lived in a trailer in Arkansas on the church farm. I remember playing with my dolls, and I started to think about what would happen if they got lost. Suffice it to say, the big fat tears started to fall and I held my dolls close to my heart.
Last night I had a great pattern change. I felt sick and my beautiful four year old daughter was sitting on my lap. She immediately started to gently stroke my face and give me feather light kisses.
“Mommy, I need to go tuck you in bed, come on.” She then took me by the hand and led me to my room. She waited for me to crawl into bed, then she lifted the blankets and tucked me in. “There, momma. Do you feel better? You need to get some rest.” She continued to stroke my face for a few minutes and then she went out to the living room with her father.
She left me stunned, and in tears. Not the sad tears, but the grateful kind. I once again started future trippin’. I saw my daughter as a mother, gently taking care of her babies. I saw her as a nurse taking care of the patients with loving kindness and grace. I saw her as a teenager spending time with her big brother, and making sure that he felt comfortable in social situations. Last night the future glowed with love and light.